• Eva El Beze

Girl Talk, a one act play


Cast of characters:

Lisa: Early 30's, female, African American, dressed in a pair of jeans, an Indian tunic top, sandals and big Bohemian earrings. Bright colors,artistic, expressive.

Rachel: Early 30's, female, Caucasian, dressed in skinny jeans, a t-shirt and high heeled boots. Small stud earrings. Very minimal in muted colors.

Waiter: Mid 20's, Asian, very handsome, dressed in black slacks, a white dress shirt, a half apron and black work shoes.

Present day, San Francisco, CA. Stage is set as a city street with a cafe, a sushi restaurant, a public trash can and a bus stop. Lisa and Rachel sit at one of the cafe's sidewalk tables, drinking from disposable cups of coffee.

Lisa:

You told him his dick is too small?

Rachel:

No. I said it could be bigger.

Lisa:

Basically the same thing.

Rachel:

Not really. Too small would imply there's very little to enjoy. Could bebigger means it's nice. It's okay, but..... it could be bigger.

Lisa:

Like a portion in a restaurant? The chocolate souffle was fine, even great, but it could have been double the size.

Rachel:

Exactly..... Well, not double the size. Maybe half of an extra serving.

Lisa:

And what did he say?

Rachel:

That if his dick could be bigger then I could try and control the disgusting gas I pass as I'm falling asleep.

Lisa:

Sounds like a reasonable trade off.

Rachel:

Not really. I can't control what happens when I'm sleeping.

Lisa:

Can he control his dick not being big enough?

Rachel:

Whose side are you on?

Lisa:

Yours! It's called devil's advocate.

Rachel:

Since when does the devil form an opinion on the size of an appendage?

Lisa:

How should I know? I'm his advocate. I'm not actually him. Like prayer warriors for Jesus.

Rachel:

Okay, okay. Don't shoot the messenger. Got it.

Lisa:

Hallelujah!

Rachel:

So what do I do? Is a penile pump an adequate peace offering?

(Lisa rolls her eyes.)

Lisa:

Only if you're gonna start popping Beanos like you do Valium on an airplane.

Rachel:

That's a very unfair comparison. Airplanes are death traps.

Lisa:

Apparently your boyfriend thinks your ass is too.

(Rachel's mouth drops open. She is left speechless.)

Lisa:

Do you even like this guy? This week you're telling him his penis is too small-

(Rachel interrupts, exasperated.)

Rachel:

Could be bigger!

Lisa:

Sorry. Right. Could be bigger and a few weeks ago you were debating breaking up with him because he cut his toe nails in front of you and didn't order what you wanted him to at the restaurant.

Rachel:

No, no no! That wasn't it at all. It's like you don't even listen when I talk. What I said is that he cut his toe nails on the couch as I was trying to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I have to pay attention to follow the story line.

Lisa:

(Sarcastically.) Riiight.....

Rachel:

I'll ignore that, and- the nails were going all over the place flying into the cracks of the couch cushions. That has to be unhygenic.

Lisa:

You could pass a law.

Rachel:

Maybe I will..... Anyways, I didn't care what he ordered at the restaurant; it was that he chews too loudly.

Lisa:

This is why you'll be single for the rest of your life, you know?

Rachel:

You're the one who's single. I have someone.

Lisa:

Someone who chews too loudly, has too small of a penis and doesn't follow your hygeine laws.

Rachel:

Okay. Enough about me. I feel your sympathies waning.

Lisa:

Don't do that.

Rachel:

Do what?

Lisa:

Use big stupid words when you don't know the meaning of them.

Rachel:

I used waning correctly.

Lisa:

What's the definition of waning?

Rachel:

You're not an advocate, you're just the devil.

Lisa:

Now YOU'RE sympathies are waning.

(Rachel laughs and raises her coffee cup in a salute.)

Rachel:

How's the new job?

(Lisa buries her head in her hands and groans.)

Rachel:

You're first week couldn't have been that bad!

Lisa:

I asked my boss if he would like to eat my cake? On the first day!

(Rachel chokes on her sip of coffee.)

Rachel:

What?! What the hell happened?!

Lisa:

They have cakes and muffins and stuff at the morning meetings. My boss wouldn't shut up about how great the cranberry, ginger, white chocolate, cinnamon dusted, maple glazed artisan bullshit was he was eating.

Rachel:

So that inspired you to offer him your hoo hoo?

Lisa:

No! That inspired me to attempt to offer him my PIECE of cake and somehow I got confused and it came out- Do you want to eat my cake?

Rachel:

Did anyone else hear it?

Lisa:

I'm not sure, but since the whole room got real quiet and my new name at the office is "cake"; I'm guessing they did.

(Rachel is laughing uncontrollably.)

Lisa:

It wasn't really that funny, Rachel.

Rachel:

Do you remember the time I saw my friend, Peter, limping towards us and asked, “What the fuck happened to you?”

(Lisa starts to laugh.)

Lisa:

And the guy, who wasn't your friend, Peter, answered, “Polio, when I was a child.” Yes, yes I do.

Rachel:

There's also the time I thought the guy in the grocery store was dancing towards me in the aisle, so I went up to him and started freaking him only to realize it was a disabled person who walked like that. No dancing whatsoever..... So you see. It isn't that bad.

Lisa:

Except I work with these people. I have to see them five days a week. You've never seen the polio guy again.

Rachel:

That's true. But I fear if I ever do I'll mistake him for Peter. Again.

Lisa:

Well that's more than likely with your track record.

(Rachel nods her head in agreement.)

Lisa:

I also sent out a mass email the next day, on behalf of my boss, without using spell check, regarding public policy and three hundred people learned all about PUBIC policy.

(Lisa buries her head in her hands again.)

Rachel:

At least you're consistent. The pubic policy certainly fits with offering your boss to eat your cake.

Lisa:

Don't you have