EUGENE-- Executed Texan Thanksgiving Day serial killer, dressed in his exterminator's overalls but with his prison number taped across his chest, # 6-21. The seat of his overalls have black burn marks from the juice of the electric chair.
SISTER SALLY-- A Nun who choked to death due to premature transubstantiation during administration of sacred sacrament. She wears a nun’s habit, conservative skirt.
DIDI-- A Dominatrix who died in a car crash when she mistook severe whiplash for a broken neck. She’s dressed provocatively in black with long boots clutching a riding crop or some sort of whip-like object.
RALPH-- A Chubby High School Cutter killed by a festering infection from hidden, self-inflicted stomach wounds. He’s dressed like a nerd.
PLACE: REINCARNATION HOLDING CENTER
The stage is dark but we hear agitated and frightened whispering of three souls destined to become bed bugs, bewildered by their new location. One by one a darkened soul, wearing a white light necklace, wanders across the stage. The audience sees individual lights until they all bump into each other, creating a collective unit of light, a Soul Cluster of translucent bulbs. When this is achieved EUGENE’S boom voice shouts:
(Off stage mimicking Soul Train’s opening TV theme including musical riff.)
It’s a SOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUL Cluster of Light!
Lights come up on the three souls destined to become bed bugs, huddled together. When they see each other they quickly react to this accidental intimacy. DIDI pulls away, ashamed of having her fear exposed. SISTER SALLY pulls away in horror at being hugged by Ralph.
Who said that?
What the hell is a soul cluster?
(Drops to her knees, crosses herself)
Saints save us that hell is not where we are!
(Looks down at Sister Sally, smirks.)
Get up, honey. I didn’t command you to kneel….(snaps whip) yet!
Please don’t hurt her!
Are you telling me what I can or cannot do, Chubby!?
Leave the lad be.
Shouldn’t we be friends?
Where the fuck are we?
Judging by your foul mouth I would expect it would be the inside of a toilet.
Hey sister. Stop being so uptight. I got a riddle for you to calm you down—what’s black and white and red all over?
Nope. A menstruating nun.
(Extends hand to Sister Sally.)
My name’s Ralph.
Pleased to make your acquaintance, Ralph. (Shakes hand) I’m Sister Sally. I work…worked as a lay sister (Didi giggles, Sally turns to her) watch it! I
worked as a lay sister at the convent of St. Joseph the Betrothed Church of Perpetual Martyrdom.
Pleased to meet you, Sister Sally. What’s a lay sister?
A lay sister serves the physical needs of cloistered nuns, cook and clean for them, so they can spend their time praying for humanity.
How generous of you!
It’s a humbling avocation, Ralph.
We got something in common, Sister Sally. Name’s Didi but I’m known professionally as Mistress Mischief (snaps whip) and my avocation is humbling men. I once worked at a joint called Our Lady of Perpetual Misery, but I wasn’t nobody’s lay sister.
I’m a….was a senior at Theodore Roosevelt High in the Bronx.
You didn’t graduate, Ralph?
I was supposed to this Spring.
You dropped out? Couldn’t cut it, Ralphie?
I keep telling everybody my name’s Ralph, not Ralphie. And I cut it fine. Real fine.
RALPH pulls up his shirt to expose the red lined cutter’s scars on this fake pillow belly. SISTER SALLY gasps, but DIDI walks over and admiringly runs her finger across this red scars.