Dossier, Bond James (j)
Mad Libs Bond
Can be prudent and blunt, taciturn and motionless. Prefers to remain undisturbed. Prefers the use of talcum powder in daily hygiene. Prone to suspicion, schemes, discreetness. Prefers to work alone, without associates. Pursues villains prone to defalcations, and prefers to be the cause as such. Carries always only in briefcase passport, gun, toothpowder and brush. Suspects every villain as flagellant only partially treacherous almost always with potassium cyanide. Prefers Benzedrine. Avoids spuriousness. Abhors the obsequious. Finds Bentley desirable, quizzical. Longs for shemmy despite amusement and misgivings. Is prone to flusterment in sparkling, sensual, and gleaming desperately shod in Hermes. This is the classic kaleidoscope, leaving only dinner jacket, armpits, and conjuring as unobtrusive whilst facing almost always without knowing pockets.
Dossier, Bond James (i)
Pre-nuptial Agreement Bond
In the event of Bond’s death or a marital separation from The Bond Girl The Bond Girl agrees to be the recipient of The James Bond Estate in its entirety, materially and ideologically, sharing no part of The James Bond Estate with any other. The James Bond Estate includes and is not limited to the following: the welfare and reputation of all villains living or dead with plans for world domination; the welfare and reputation of all Bond Girls living or dead with whom The Bond Girl has shared The James Bond including The Bond Girl Herself living or dead; the welfare and reputation of the manufacturer The James Bond’s Special Blend Gold Ringed Turkish cigarettes so as to assure the maker as having been The James Bond’s sole supplier; the welfare and protection of The Cold War politics responsible for the creation of The James Bond, especially in the event The Cold War ends so as to insure the continuance of The James Bond Ideology practically speaking as racism, sexism, and classism; the welfare and reputation of “Benzedrine, Bourbon, Guns, and Babes” as such, the regular use and consumption of which shall be maintained as materially necessary to the existence of The James Bond in perpetuity. In the event of the death of The Bond Girl all above items, materially and ideologically, remain as property of The James Bond Estate, The Bond Girl leaving the estate of The James Bond with the strength of her reputation as the savior (mind, body, soul) of The James Bond.
Dossier, Bond James (g)
Crossword Puzzle Bond
Four letter word for Bond as England’s gigolo on this assignment in From Russia With Love (Hint: Britain’s Bitch) ___________
Five letter word for Bond’s first girlfriend when he finds her dead in bed in Casino Royale (Hint: Vesper) ____________
Six letter word for where Bond keeps his gun while asleep (Hint: All the time and everywhere) _______________
Nine letter word for where Bond keeps his gun while awake (Hint: All the time and everywhere) _______________
Four letter word for man-eating sea creature waiting for Bond at the end of Dr. No’s obstacle course of death in Dr. No (Hint: It’s tentacular?) _____________
Four letter word for Bond’s body part villains most like to hurt during torture (Hint: Rhymes with “halls,” “falls,” “calls,” “walls,” “stalls”) ___________
Ten letter word for Bond’s guiltiest pleasure (Hint: Special bend, Balkan and Turkish) ______________
Seven letter word for Bond’s guiltiest pleasure (Hint: The Bad Guy) ____________
Eight letters two words for Bond’s guiltiest pleasure (Hint: He falls in love with them all the time)
________ ________ or ___________ ____________ (Hint: He “sees double”)
Ten letters two words for way Bond bathes almost on the regular (Hint: All the time and everywhere) _________ __________
Five letter word for the only poem Bond ever writes while abroad in You Only Live Twice (Hint: Bond pens this poetry in the Far East) ___________
Eight letter word for Bond’s secret occupation in top secret Swiss mountain top criminal operation in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (Hint: A bevy of beautiful girls with allergies are the villain’s top prop) __________
The full name of villain who breaks from world domination to cheat Bond at golf (Note: Villain does not win) ________ __________
Nine letters two words for Bond’s Villain’s “guiltiest pleasure” by which they most commonly exit stage left (Hint: All the time and everywhere) _________ __________
Michelle Disler has been published in North Dakota Quarterly, The Massachusetts Review, Gulf Coast, Hotel Amerika, and The Laurel Review.